AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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