I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
