do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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