before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She needs sedatives and a leash
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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