Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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