Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize