What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
