seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
