Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
