I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
