this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
