How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize