I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
