Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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