the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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