i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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