She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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