i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
