apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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