The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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