All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize