umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
COCAINE IS GR8
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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