I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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