I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize