Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
