where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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