happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
