i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
