I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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