Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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