his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize