Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize