It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
