Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
