i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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