James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You are a genius and a whore.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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