for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
