Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
