I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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