I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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