I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
