i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
