I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
