1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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