the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
