i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
