Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
is it fun? or sober?
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