It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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