The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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