This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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