this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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