I think im going to throw up on grandma
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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