just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
