I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize