Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
