like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Two words: nipple clamps
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